Airline attendants sometimes make an effort to make the 'in-flight safety spiel and announcements entertaining. Here are some examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Qantas Flight with a very 'senior' flight attendant crew, the pilot said, 'Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.'
Heard on an Air New Zealand flight: 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'
On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.'
‘There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.'
'Thank you for flying Virgin Blue. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.'
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Dunedin Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella. WHOA!'
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Auckland, a flight attendant announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as shootin' everything has shifted.'
From an Air NZ employee: 'Welcome aboard Air NZ Flight 245 to Wellington .To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.'
'In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.'
Weather at our destination is seven degrees Celsius with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than we do.'
'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'
And from a pilot during his welcome message: 'Virgin Blue is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!'
Heard on Qantas just after a very hard landing in Sydney, the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'
Overheard on an Air NZ flight into Wellington, on a particularly windy and bumpy day when during the final approach, the captain had to fight hard. After an extremely bumpy landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Wellington. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'
An airline pilot wrote that on one particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, to smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had got off except for an old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?' 'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?' The old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'
After a real crusher of a landing in Palmerston North, the attendant came on the public address system, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Air NZ.'
A plane was taking off from Auckland Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made this announcement over the intercom: 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 316, non-stop from Auckland to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOSH!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' A passenger further down in the plane yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'
Dr. Geoff Pound